In my Blog post “Coaching vs. Mentoring” (https://www.erhan-coaching.com/en/post/coaching-vs-mentoring) I wrote that a Coach will focus on helping the Coachee to come to his own conclusion through active listening and asking open-ended questions within a guided process. The German Association for Coaching and Training defines Coaching as “helping people to help themselves” (Hilfe zur Selbsthilfe).
Let me take a fictional example to showcase how a Coaching process could look like to give you a better feeling about the difference to Mentoring.
Assuming an Expatriate is being sent to a country where queueing in a straight line, standing one after another with a proper physical distance to each other is not the norm. People in that place will rather jump the queue and / or stand very close to each other, limiting physical distance to a minimum. This is especially happening to that Expatriate when queuing in the super market, when buying a train ticket, when using the Subway, etc. After getting advice from his Mentor the Expat might follow the saying “When in Rome, do as the Romans do” and starts jumping queues aswell. The Expat does not feel comfortable in jumping queues however, as this goes against his own cultural norms he was socialized with.
After a while, these negative experiences are starting to impact his overall impression on the host countries citizen, slowly taking its toll on his overall performance and cooperation with local people.
Before it comes to an “Expat Failure” (see https://www.erhan-coaching.com/en/post/expat-coaching-and-the-expat-lifecycle) an Expat Coach is being approached.
The Coachee describes his topic to the Expat Coach as following:
“I know I should take this more relaxed, but I feel extremely angry every time people jump the queue in the super market, when buying a train ticket, when using the Subway, etc. I am just not able suppress my negative emotions”
The Coach will not give advise like a Mentor how to cope with this situation, but will follow his guiding principle to help the Coachee to help himself. The Coach decides to apply the GROW Model in this case:
GROW stands for Goal, Reality, Obstacles (sometimes also called Options), Way-Forward and is providing a framework for goal setting and problem solving. It is the Expat Coach however who must guide the Coachee through this framework by listening actively, forming hypothesis, asking open-ended questions (“How”, “What”, “Which”, etc.) and applying methods which he thinks could be useful for the Coachee in finding his own answers.
There are dozens of processes such a session could follow. The below is only one fictional- and super simplified sample process an Expat Coach could follow. The description has solely the purpose to showcase the difference to Mentoring:
Goal:
1. As obvious as it sounds, making sure to build rapport from the beginning is essential to create a trustworthy basis for the process.
2. Supporting the Coachee in defining a SMART (Specific, Measurable, Attainable, Realistic, Timely) Goal. The Coachee’s target for the topic above could be:
„The next time people around me start jumping the queue I do not want to be angry anymore“
To make the target more measurable the Coachee can be asked a scaling question. Example: „On a scale from 1 to 10, while 10 stands for extreme anger, how do you feel each and every time when people start jumping the queue?“.
3. Expectation Management: Open and honest alignment between the Coachee‘s expectation and the support an Expat Coach can give in this specific case.
Reality:
4. In Systemic Coaching it is important to ask open-ended questions to get a better understanding about the topic (see above), the context (who else is involved), the situation and if appropriate the felt emotions in that situation. This will help the Coach to form his hypothesis.
5. After having a better picture about the system of the Coachee, a sanity check whether the Goal is appropriate can be made. If the described Reality gives reason to belief that another target might be more suitable the Expat Coach can ask whether he can reflect his personal opinion back to the Coachee. The Expat Coach should not comment before getting the approval from the Coachee. After getting the approval both can circle back and fine-tune the Goal jointly if necessary.
Obstacles:
At this point in time the Expat Coach might have developed one or several hypothesis about the Obstacles. With open-ended questions and methods he will test his hypothesis, while trying to help the Coachee to overcome his Obstacles and achieve his Goal. Two randomly selected methods for this topic could be:
6. Working with the Inner Team: The inner team method makes the different ambiguous inner voices the Coachee might be hearing in that specific situation transparent. In this situation the felt anger might be triggered by a voice seeking for order or a voice looking for a proper physical distance. Both have a positive intention and might feel unheard causing an unsatisfied need, which ultimately leads to an inner conflict and anger. By making those inner voices transparent the necessary attention and focus can be given to them during the session.
7. Identifying a Pattern of Success: The Coachee can be asked what character trait or capability he might need to overcome this obstacle and achieve his goal. If the Coachee for example answers “patience”, he can be asked whether he ever experienced a situation in the past where he was totally patient. With this question the Coach is looking for a past pattern of success. The Coachee is asked to describe that past situation as detailed as possible. The Expat Coach can strengthen the Coachee's description through asking VAKOG (visual, auditory, kinastethic, olfactory and gustatory) related accompanying questions, like “What do you see in the very moment you were totally patient?”, “Is there anything you hear?”, “How was the temperature? Was it warm? If so, how warm?”, “Where on your body do you feel that warmth feeling?”, etc. VAKOG related questions have the effect that people will feel the activated memory from their unconsciousness with all their senses, making the activation of the neural network even more intense. This activation where the Coachee experienced total patience might deliver a valuable resource. It is a chance to “build a bridge” between a past situation (where he felt total patience) with the concrete situation where he feels anger when people jump the queue. Through this bridge there is a chance to create a new neural network where the Coachee will experience the queue jumping with more patience helping him to reach his Goal in feeling less angry. This is what is meant by “Neurons that fire together, wire together”.
Way-Forward:
Ideally the Coachee has come up with a solution already that works for him, while processing one of the above mentioned methods. Maybe a specific picture, word, embodiment, an object he will carry alongside him, etc. will help him to calm down his inner voice. Or maybe the newly created neuronal network will help him to stay patient. Every individual has its own pattern to solve problems and therefore his own way-forward.
Summary:
I hope the above fictional example has clearly shown what Coaching is about and what Mentoring is not. Mentoring is especially appropriate for young professionals. The moment the Mentee has a different “problem-solving pattern” as suggested by the Mentor however, it can create some kind of negative Emotion as it might go into conflict with the Mentee’s own pattern. It might also be that the Mentee will not even apply the recommendation right from the beginning. In the end human-beings are autopoetic systems (self-regulating systems, trying to keep their existence autonomous and independent). This is the reason why Coaching is a great value add next to Mentoring and both should ideally be used not subsidizing but complementing each other to achieve the best possible result.
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